Square Peg In A Round Hole: Parenting A Child With Special Needs

Writer: Linda Anderson, (979) 862-1460, email: lw-anderson@tamu.edu

LUBBOCK –– Cara Speer has earned multiple degrees in social work –– a bachelor's degree from
Abilene Christian University and a master's degree from the University of Texas at Arlington. She
currently is the director of social work at Lubbock Christian University, where she puts all that
education to work.

But most of what she learned about living with a child who has different needs began when her
son was born, 18 years ago. And during her presentation called "A Square Peg in a Round Hole,"
she shared some of those lessons with participants of the Building Strong Families Parenting
Conference. This annual conference, hosted by the Partners for Parenting Coalition, was held
recently at the First Church of the Nazarene in Lubbock. Texas Cooperative Extension, one of the
original members of the coalition, is also one of the sponsoring agencies for the conference.

In looking back on the 18 years of her son's life, Speer was frank when she described those years
as "chaotic." She said people often ask her and her husband "how did we do it –– raising a child
who did not fit the mold, who was not ‘‘normal'.

"We still don't know if we did it right."

Through an accident at his birth –– the umbilical cord disconnected from his body while he was
still in the birth canal –– Speer's son was without oxygen for a time. And although he was born
"blue," she said, "no one said anything to us about his being in danger." In fact, she said, "the
worst thing we could see was he had red hair!"

Four hours later, when the new parents were expecting their son to be brought to them to be fed,
they were instead visited by a pediatrician, who, Speer said, told them: "Your baby had a really
rough time, but we think he will live ... but he will probably have brain damage."

As a mother, Speer said, her comprehension stopped on the part about the baby living. "The brain
damage part I didn't believe," she said. The Speers found the information and advice they needed
to raise their "square peg" child was sparse –– almost non-existent, in fact. While advice for
parents is out there, it doesn't apply "to this kind of child," she said.

From the beginning of his life, she knew her son was different, she said. "From his failure to make
eye contact, resistance to cuddling, rubbing his face in circles with a blanket –– all these are
symptoms of autism, but he was too young to be diagnosed."

The couple, who were already parents of a normal daughter, decided not have any more children
because they knew raising their son would take most of their time and effort.

As a toddler, he had to follow a specific routine, he developed a phobia about wind, he became
obsessive about certain types of toys, and he developed a violent temper that "seemed to come
out of nowhere," Speer said. He also developed amazing memorization skills and counting
abilities far beyond the comprehension of most 3-year-olds.

As the child grew, his parents learned to follow his lead. "I devoted myself to what he wanted to
do, observed his quirks and what made him lose his temper," Speer said. In that, she wasn't all
that much different from other parents. "The major task of all parents in the first few years is to
get to know our own individual child –– what works and what doesn't."

But she and her husband faced many challenges most parents don't. "People can be really cruel to
parents of kids who are different," Speer said. "At times we thought maybe we were crazy, maybe
we were wrong.

"Parents of children who are not normal need to learn to not react to their child out of embarrassment,"
she said. "Parenting is hard, and parenting a child who is not normal is even harder."

Slowly but surely, Speer and her husband found their way. Their son was gifted in some ways far
beyond his age. When he was 3, he could do math, including fractions and division. "To keep him
happy at church, I would write out pages and pages of math problems," Speer said.
They learned that changing the surroundings is easier than trying to modify the child to fit the
norm. "Instead of forcing the child to fit and just banging away until he fits, modify the
environment and the gently modify the child," she advised.

For example, because their son can't handle a lot of sensory stimulation at the same time, things
are kept quiet at their home. If the family plays music, it's soft and gentle. His room is kept dark
and quiet.

Disciplining any child can be a challenge, but the Speers learned from their child's reactions. "With
discipline, we give him a little lag time," Speer said. Given a choice, he "almost always chooses to
do the right thing, but the more he was forced, the more he resisted."

When it came time for school, Speer and her husband did everything they could to prepare their
son for the changes he was about to face. "If we could predict the change, we could prepare him
for it." He needed a quiet environment "because he couldn't filter out stimulation," so they chose
quieter classes for him. When it came time to get up and get ready for school, "we never rushed
him; we gave him plenty of time to get ready."

He also needed downtime when he came home –– and still does. "Home should be a haven where
he could relax and be himself," Speer said. "When he comes home from school it's like he's been
rubbed raw –– he needs alone time."

Their life as parents of a "square peg" has not been easy, but it has been rewarding. Through
"tears, trial and error, and a lot of prayer," Speer and her husband have raised a son who not only
is a straight-A student, but who won 32 awards last year, is a National Merit scholar and made
perfect scores on both the SAT and the ACT tests. He has been accepted at both Duke University
and Vanderbilt University but is leaning toward Vanderbilt, "because they let freshmen have
private rooms," his mother said with a smile.

Her other advice for other parents who might find themselves in a similar situation:

- At school, be an advocate for your child. Do everything possible to insure the child is in a
classroom situation and with a teacher best suited to his or her specific needs.
- Focus on what is best for the child and on finding the solution.
- Don't leave a child in a very bad situation, in a classroom that doesn't fit his or her needs.
- Look for the environment that makes it easier for the child to behave.
- Do not let the child use his or her condition as an excuse. "We worked toward helping our child
modify his own environment, because we will not always be with him," she said. "He needs to be
able to understand himself."

And above all, supply unconditional love to the child, no matter how bad his or her behavior, she
said –– which does not mean condoning unacceptable behavior. Parents can accept the person
without accepting the behavior, she said.

So instead of trying to make a "square peg" of a child fit into a "round hole" of social expectations,
use love and acceptance and self-awareness to help that child learn about his or her own
uniqueness. "If you leave the self esteem in place, they turn out to be productive citizens," she said.