The Seven Wonders of Being a Teenager

Writer: Linda Anderson, (979) 862-1460, lw-anderson@tamu.edu

LUBBOCK –– Being a teenager isn't easy –– being the parent of one is even harder.

That's why attendees at the recent Building Strong Families parenting conference flocked to Ed
Ainsworth's program on "The Seven Wonders of Being a Teenager."

The annual conference –– sponsored by Texas Cooperative Extension and many other community
service agencies –– was held recently in Lubbock.

Ainsworth, who is with Whiteheart Communications and Church on the Rock in Lubbock, got
everyone's attention when he started his presentation by saying: "My passion in life is to teach
teens and help them live right, learn right, think right, talk right and act right."

He admitted that's not an easy task, but it is one that parents of teenagers face every day. And he
knows that not only through his profession but because he is the father of teenagers.
"A teenager is a different creature," he said. "And I've made my share of mistakes."

Ainsworth cited a recent survey of 60,000 teens in which 78 percent said the No. 1 influence in
their lives is their parents. However, he warned, parents should remember "that's not always a
positive influence."

He told of a talk session he had with a group of teens. One young man told how his own life was
already "messed up" because so many of his relatives were in jail or on drugs or selling drugs ...
when a young woman in the group spoke up. She pointed her finger at the young man and said:
"It's not in your blood –– it's in your choices."

With those words of wisdom from a young woman –– who had seen her own share of family
troubles –– in mind, Ainsworth developed The Seven Best Things Parents Do for their teenagers,
and shared them with other parents at the conference:

1. Reach them and touch them.
"Love, acceptance, security, identity and recognition," he said, are "the five basic needs of every
human being." Home is the best place to receive these basic needs, he said, and parents are the
best providers. However, if teenagers don't have these five basic needs met at home, Ainsworth
said, they will look elsewhere –– maybe to their peers, to gangs, school, sports, church, media,
malls, the streets, music, drugs, alcohol, sex, computers, porn, books –– none of which are good
substitutes for parents. "These are temporary fixes," he said, and in following them, teenagers end
up "out of balance.

"When they figure out they are not going to get their needs met at home and their fix (substitute)
is temporary, they will feel rejected," he said. "There will be a void left on the inside –– a vacuum.
They will search (for substitutes) if they are not getting those five needs met.

"Adults are just like kids," in their five basic needs, Ainsworth added. "We've just learned to hide
it better than a 15-year-old." If parents "reach them and touch them, and give them these five
things, kids feel safe."

But, he warned, "If you write them off because of what they look like, talk like, sound like, you
are not going to be able to touch them."

2. Connect with them.
"Listen twice as much as you talk," Ainsworth said. "Be a better listener than you are a talker."

3. Heal their hurts and pains.
While healing comes from God, he said, parents "are not the source, but you can connect them to
the source."

4. Teach them to be teachable.
Ainsworth quoted his own father, who used to say: "There's three ways to learn things –– the easy
way, the hard way and the tragic way." Parents can use their own experiences, whether good, bad
or ugly, to teach their children how to make wise choices and learn the easy way. "Because reality
bites, folks," he said.

"If you are afraid to use true stories, your own stories, you've got to be honest enough to let them
know there is an easy way, a hard way and a tragic way." And kids who learn the tragic way
might not live to learn again.

5. Teach them to be givers.
"Selfish people implode," Ainsworth said. Teenagers "have so much to give, you've got to teach
them to be investors (in themselves and others). What you give out is what you're going to be
given back."

6. Teach them to be committed.
"I think kids want to be committed to something," he said. That's where good quality relationships
and groups come in.

7. Teach them how to handle transitions.
"Life changes," Ainsworth said. Life doesn't run smoothly. "It goes up and down and up and
down and up and down. If it flatlines, you're dead."

Everything in life changes, he said. "Transitions happen; circumstances change. For example,
everything you know about computers will be obsolete in two years," and will have to be
relearned."

"If you don't teach young people how to handle change, you're doing them a big disservice."

To help parents implement these seven steps, he advised:

- Forget the past;
- Do something new; and
- Pray daily.

The teenage years aren't easy for kids or for their parents, but "I believe in this generation,"
Ainsworth said. And their parents can, too.